The grieving process is not a linear experience.  We keep going backwards and forwards until we KNOW we have come out the other end.

The first stage of the ‘good-bye’ process comes with a big NO!  We simply do not want this to happen.  This is the stage of Denial – a very effective way of protecting ourselves from unbearable feelings.  We may have been in denial for quite some time that our relationship was not in good shape or as we would have hoped it would be.  Maybe denial works to convince us that our marriage is in fact not yet over – that the relationship may “turn around” and become good again; or that the ending of the marriage is not even that painful a loss so we are “ready” to move on with our new life without so much as a backwards glance…

Letting go of our relationship is so very difficult and it is very normal to want to deny or say “NO”! to what is happening.  The emotional and physical body can go into shock and a traumatised state; protecting us from the full force of our feelings.  Well meaning friends and family may well want us to come to terms with the ending of our marriages and want us to move into the next stage of grieving – but we cannot be rushed.  We will move into the reality of ‘what is’ only when we are ready.

The second phase is when we can no longer deny the reality.  We are facing the loss BUT we hope and long for something or someone who will come along to make us feel better, to change the situation for the better, to make us feel anything other than what we feel ….  This stage is often called BARGAINING.  Often we will be trying to form bridges still, trying to tell our spouses what we want in order for things to be different or what we will do differently, how we will change in order to avoid the present reality.  We develop a plan to keep the marriage intact or question what would need to happen in order to resurrect the relationship.  The thought of a broken marriage might feel so overwhelming that we are willing to do almost anything to stop the pain of losing it…

In stage three, we finally see that no matter how hard we try, no matter what concessions we could make or what we would need to give up to ‘fix’ the marriage – that it is indeed over.  We become depressed.  We can experience utter exhaustion and depletion or at other times high anxiety and feeling intensely wound up.  This is what depression can feel like.  Disturbed sleep and eating patterns, maybe taking up smoking or drinking just a little too much or throwing yourself into the distraction of work or the children – anything to avoid the feelings, which at this point can feel unbearable.  We walk around as if there is a wide gaping hole within us.  Life can feel utterly joyless, hopeless and nothing feels like it matters anymore.  If you find yourself in this phase of the grieving process for too long then do get support for yourself – You can always discuss things with your GP or seek out the Counselling support you need for yourself – don’t give yourself a hard time , these feelings are totally ‘normal’.  It can feel like you want to be reclusive and hide yourself away from the world, but in order to heal, it is really important to share your feelings and to process your way through them through therapy, group support, or your friends and family (not the children however!).

In Phase four, most of us will fluctuate between periods of depression and periods of anger.  Sometimes the anger might be about something your ex has done but sometimes it is just the fact that we are hurting and it’s so very easy to blame our ex-partners for that hurt.  Be gentle with yourself.  It’s ok to feel the anger, try to honour it and say “thank you… I know I am feeling angry and upset right now – it’s ok, it will pass – this is natural for me to feel this way in my situation”.  Try to let the anger be and let it pass through and over you.  To stay raging and blaming our partners keeps us stuck in the healing process and stops us from moving on positively, so long term we need to work through this process to discover the real feelings beneath our anger and to understand the real story rather than the one we may have attached to.  This is where the healing ultimately lies – both in forgiveness of our partners and of ourselves…

The anger is useful because it can help us propel ourselves into a new life but it’s about using that energy positively rather than letting it eat up us inside.  Find a place or a person with whom you can ‘vent’ a while in a safe space.  Use it as creative energy to become the kind of person you want to become; to allow your outrage over what was not acceptable to you and to know why;  to get clear on the kind of relationship and how you DO  want to be treated one day.  As they say ‘Endings are Beginnings turned inside out’.  Maybe in time you will see that it was right for your relationship to come to an end.  That there is something better than… more than… available to you, even though it is not in your current sight. All that in time, as ultimately we need to have made sense of that broken relationship and have comprehended all the lessons we can so that  this can inform us in our choices for the future.

ANGER AND THE EX…

Sometimes we want so much just to erradicate our ex right out of our consciousness and life.  When we are hurt and angry we can have strong urges or fantasies about getting even with this person who we may see as the source of our grief.  In our fantasies, it feels good when they are hurting as we are.  But anger creates more anger and pain and it’s a circle that just keeps on going round, causing more anger and hurt.  Give up your need to be right!  … to be the good one…. that they are the bad one, the wrongdoer….  The truth is that you both have participated in this relationship, co-created how things were between you, you both made mistakes, you both tried the best you could – there are lessons to be learned on both sides.  Although it’s easier to stay in anger and blame, this keeps you from accepting your part and responsibility in your broken relationship.  This means you don’t get the chance to heal and you don’t get the opportunity to mend something within yourself which would allow  you to feel good, fighting fit and on top form for the new to come in and be more satisfying than that which has past.

Stage five is about ACCEPTANCE.  Having survived the initial experiences of panic, acute loss, the fear, depression and the anger, we finally reach a stage in the process where, we do from time to time feel any of the above, but largely there is now a growing experience of “I am actually going to survive this!”

We’ve already grown as a result of this time because we have learnt that we are strong – that we have already survived the worst and come out the other side…

At this time we are most probably still grieving but until we have exorcised our hurt and pain, the process of forgiveness cannot be fully processed.  We need to give ourselves time to traverse this grieving process.  It is important to validate and accept ALL your feelings and just give yourself permission to feel these as they come up.  Because we want to move on in our lives, we can often rush this process but don’t force yourself to prematurely forgive your ex – this can only happen when you can truly let go and this cannot be forced.  When all energies devoted to that person or the relationship has faded away then there can be inner peace and forgiveness and then we can feel truly free,  but we have to allow ourselves to go through the process fully in order for that state of being to be authentic and real.

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There will be times when we thought we were done with grieving and then something might trigger a memory and we can re-experience the hurt or anger again.  Don’t give yourself a hard time – this too is all part of the healing process.

Going through a divorce has been called a ‘disenfranchised grief’ – one that many do not treat as legitimate.  We’re often told to put the past behind us and to move on to the new but grieving what we had, even if your relationship had become toxic for you, it was still a security of sorts and that has now been ripped away and that is going to hurt!